Black Hydration
Do you like my POEM?
"In This Hell"
***************
You don't understand,
as we burn in this hell.
In the corner is where you stand,
but I'll never tell.
What you've done to me,
I'll say it's nothing.
But can't you see?
We're falling into nothing.
We stand in black,
as we slowly sink.
We'll never look back,
and we'll never take a drink.
We'll suffer from dehydration,
but oh well,
we don't need hydration.
We'll just fall into hell.
That raging fire,
it burns our flesh.
Everything is so dire,
nothing is fresh.
Everything rots,
and we're all dumped,
into empty lots,
we're all clumped.
Nothing matters,
can't you tell?
Listen to the chatters.
You've fell,
and so have I.
We'll fade away,
as we slowly die,
left in dismay.
***********
So what do you think of it? I'm 14 years old. Could you please rate it on a scale from 1 to 10?
THANK YOU!
It's decent. I'd give it a 7.5.
Maybe experiment with different word choices and make it flow better.
Stanza 2 is awful at the end. Try something else here.
The rythym is there and the message is clear, and that's very important, nice job on that.
Keep at it!
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